Friday, September 28, 2007


So today I'm going in search of this dress at Banana. It's likely that they won't have it or won't have my size (HA! My size! Although I have one size. Right now I'm ranging in sizes all over the place). Regardless if I actually find it and if i actually looks good on me and if I actually purchase it, what shoes to wear? Black? Which wouldn't be my first choice, but I think that's what's on the model wearing it on the website. Dark brown? Tan?

For all the clothes I have, I usually always anchor bright or light color with a dark color. I may have bright green or pink or blue tops but those are matched with black or gray pants. Or brown if I'm feeling particularly ballsy. So it's easy to match shoes. But this dress is green and white and therefore I have no idea what shoe to wear.

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Thursday, September 27, 2007


Today I didn't leave my apartment. Rolo and I hung out all day, organizing his room.

And you know what? I didn't mind it one bit.

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Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Not Your Usual Lullaby

Since before he was born, I sing this to Rolo:

I don’t love you much do I
Just more than human tongue can tell and that's all
I don’t love you much do I
Remember how I kissed you in the hall

See how it sparkles in my eyes
I couldn’t hide it if I tried- that’s right
I don’t love you much do I
Just more than anything else in this whole world

I don’t love you much do I
Just more than all the stars in the sky
I don’t love you much do I
I think you hung the moon and that’s alright

See how it sparkles in my eyes
I couldn’t hide it if I tried- that’s right
I don’t love you much do I
Just more than anything else in this whole world

Monday, September 24, 2007

Traces of My Former Self

And I'm back!

Over the weekend, I bought 4 pairs of shoes:
These in black
These in tan suede
These in black suede
And, my new favorites, these in (what else?) black.

It's good to be back in action.


Ringing True

I read Dooce's post the other day and it really resonated with me. Particularly this part: "Everything that they tell you about the love you’ll have for your child is true, but there’s all this other stuff that is true, too, stuff that you’re afraid to talk about, stuff that you carry around and try to hide. Stuff like resentment and fear and anxiety and longing."

Now Dooce has a variety of mental health issues, including post-partum depression, but I don't think that's what she's talking about here. It's true, at least for me, that you love your child immediately, without even thinking about it. But there are those other feelings, feelings that I believe are normal, but that no one likes to talk about for fear of being under suspicion. There are lots of extremes in motherhood(and in pregnancy too for that matter) and it seems that if you have anything other than glowing reviews of motherhood, people assume you're on your way to being depressed. And in a majority of cases that's not true.

But it is true that you feel some of those other things Dooce mentions. I do not resent my child, because he's just a baby and it's not his fault he's here. But I do somethings resent the fact that my time is not my own anymore. That it's harder to get in and out of doorways with a stroller. That I can't just do whatever I want. That when I find something to wear that I actually look okay in, someone spits up all over it.

Of course, it's a choice I made. And I wouldn't unmake that choice, even if I could.

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A Letter to My Body

Dear Body,

In case you haven't noticed, and I'm not sure how you could have missed it, I am breastfeeding. It's true that only occasionally does Rolo himself latch on, that mostly it's a machine, but it still counts. That Rolo is fed entirely with breast milk means that I breastfeed. So it totally counts.

Most women don't get their period while breastfeeding. So I demand an explanation as to why you thought it would be a good idea for me to get mine. I mean I've been wearing a pad or liner or something every second of every day for the last two months. I was excited that I was down to just a liner. Now? Now it's back to the pad. I'd like to be comfortable. Really, just for a day.

And it's not like this is just a regular cyle. You've decided, over the last week, to keep me on my toes. One day bleeding, the next day, not so much. Or a couple of days without bleeding and then WHAMO! Aunt Flo is in the house. It's like you're taunting me, daring me to go anywhere without a supply of pads with me. I think you are out to get me.

So if you could just lay off the menstruating thing, I'd really appreciate it.
Thanks a bunch,
DJ Heavy

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Wednesday, September 19, 2007


Rolo is having a very animated conversation with the wood-burning stove in our living room.


Tuesday, September 18, 2007


Well I'm back to work. Sort of.

On Friday night, I took Ron to Penang. We'd both been before, although not with each other. Since it's a chain (I think), I'm not sure how authentic the food is, but I always get the same thing anyway. I'm not too adventurous with my food and I alway get the mango chicken. Mainly because it's the one thing on the menu that I can actually tell what it is. And it's good. Also very good is the Indian pancake appetizer. Super yum. The decor is nothing particularly spectacular and it's pretty loud when it's crowded. Penang is Malaysian, but as far as ambience goes, if I'm going to Chinatown, I prefer Vietnam Restaurant, which is obviously Vietnamese. My palate is not particularly refined, so alot of Asian cuisine tastes similar to me.

Saturday we went to my parents' house for my dad's birthday. My parents couldn't be more thrilled to see Rolo. They are totally smitten and it warms my heart to see that. Rolo has started smiling routinely now, and you would think my parents won the lottery each time he smiled at them. Of course he also smiles at the ceiling, the TV and the inside of his stroller, but who cares? They're very bitter people, my parents, and I think Rolo is beginning to mend their broken hearts.

Sunday was our niece's christening and I had two beers at the party afterward! Whoohoo!

This week and next I'm going to try to establish some sort of schedule for Rolo, since I'm eventually going to need to actually leave the house for work each day and get Rolo to day care. I'm also going to try to reintroduce exercise to my routine. Just power walking to start. I have 10 pounds to lose to be about my pre-pregnancy weight. And I really have another 5 to lose on top of that to be at my ideal weight. But I'll settle for 10 for now. I gained a ton of weight at the end of my pregnancy because of fluid retention, so I've lost about 30 pounds already. But really that was mainly fluid that I sweat out, so it was effortless. This other 10 is not going anywhere without me doing some work. My diet has also gone downhill (it's much easier to eat a donut with one hand than it is to have a bowl of cereal with fruit when your infant is screaming) so I need to start behaving on that front too.

Time to start getting back (somewhat) to my normal life.

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Friday, September 14, 2007


Rolo is 6 weeks old which means that my maternity leave officially ends this week. Unofficially, it continues for another 6 weeks as I will be working from home. It also means it's been 6 weeks since I've been in my office. It doesn't feel like that long. And I haven't missed it. Which I find strange.

I never thought I'd want to be a stay-at-home mom. And now that I have a child, I can say with more authority that I don't want to be a stay-at-home mom. I love Rolo to death but I'm totally okay with someone else caring for him 8 hours a day.

In other news, I made the same mistake twice in the last couple of weeks. I went to the Gallery with Rolo in his Bugaboo. The first time, I thought it was a bad idea but went anyway. Today I knew it was a bad idea and still went. Moron.

There's no way to say this without sounding somewhat racist so if you're easily offended, now's a great time to stop reading. The Gallery, let's say, is not geared towards a white woman in her early 30s. But there's a great bakery, Tiffany's, that I've gotten cakes and pastries from for years and Tiffany's is just about the only good thing of what is otherwise a train wreck. Folks at the Gallery aren't familar with Bugaboos so I get stopped every two feet by women asking me about it. Which isn't so bad, except they usually have a passel of kids with them, all of whom try to climb into the Bugaboo with Rolo. Enough to give me a heart attack.

Tonight my in-laws are coming over so I can take Ron out to dinner. And tomorrow we head to my parents' house for a visit. And Sunday is the christening for Rolo's cousin who was born just 12 days before him. So it's all family all the time this weekend.

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Happy Birthday.... the best husband EVER!


Will someone tell Kanye West to shut the fuck up?

I like some of his songs, but I am rather sick of hearing him mouth off about how oppressed he is. According to some reports, Mr. West was outraged that Britney was opening the VMAs (I'm so upset I missed that train wreck), and said that maybe he needs to "change the color of [his] skin." Whatever Kanye. Of course, MTV doesn't mention that quote. But that's not surprising since he went off to an MTV reporter at Live 8 about how whites tried to wipe out the black race by spreading AIDS on purpose and you know what? MTV never replayed that quote either.



A Day Late

I didn't post yesterday, probably the first time I haven't posted on September 11th.

But I did not forget.

I have a box of newspapers and magazines from that day and the days that followed. When we moved, Ron asked if we could throw it out. "Absolutely not", I told him. "I'm not sure how the history books may rewrite that day and I want my children to know what really happened."

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Friday, September 07, 2007

After the Delivery

A couple of things about post-delivery that no one talks about too much:

1. The mother of all periods. I stole that phase from Jane Buckingham's book, "The Modern Girl's Guide to Motherhood." In the book she writes something to the effect of "You know those super fat maxi pads with wings that you see in the store and you think, who wears those? Those, my friend, are now made for you." It's been 5 and a half weeks and I'm still wearing a pantyliner every moment of every day. Which is at least a big improvement of the super maxi.

2. Lots of crying. My first meltdown was the day after Rolo was born, when I was still in the hospital, just about 30 minutes before loads of our friends and family showed up to visit. That meltdown was induced by the lactation nazis. But I had a cry-fest pretty much every day for the first 10 days after Rolo was born. It did get better after that.

3. Total exhaustion. I've mentioned this before. I had a pretty easy pregnancy, and a pretty easy labor. I was never in any real pain. My recovery wasn't bad, but I couldn't believe how weak I was for weeks after I delivered. I couldn't walk very far. Stairs killed me. I was just so winded. And I expected that the first couple of days after I had Rolo, but it shocked me that I still felt so tired 3 weeks later.

4. It is totally normal to want to throw your kid out the window. Figuratively of course. But you know it's not one big joyfest. It's a really big change and I'd be lying if I said there are moments you don't want to give up.

5. People will offer to bring you food. Accept the food.

6. If you're married or in a serious relationship, you'll get to see what it's really made of. I've never really needed to be taken care of, at least not since childhood. But post-delivery, I needed to be taken care of both physically and emotionally, and Ron was wonderful. He's used to me being independent, but he filled the role of caretaker without missing a beat. With both of us being totally exhausted, it might be easy to snap at each other, but instead, we fell into teamwork mode. Each of us may have an "off" day, and the other just takes over. The defining moment for us as a family so far was my third day home from the hospital, when the pediatrican informed us that the nurse-bitches at the hospital has us underfeeding Rolo and then the same day I passed a blood clot the size of Texas. I was convinced something was really wrong and Ron, Rolo and I all sat in the living room crying.

7. No matter how prepared you think you are, you're not.

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Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Cooking Latina Style

Is it just me, or is Ingrid Hoffman not a name you would expect for a host of a show called "Simply Delicioso"?


Tuesday, September 04, 2007


So Rolo's first overnight trip went well, relatively speaking. The poor thing is developing acide reflux and is uncomfortable most of the time. And that translates in a cranky baby. Overall, though, it went well. The trailer (down by the river) is very quiet and peaceful and I thoroughly enjoyed the change of scenery.

I would be remiss, however, not to mention the down parts. Ron and I, thanks to Ron's mom, went to dinner Saturday night by ourselves. By the time we actually got to the restaurant, it was later than we had planned and we were both completely exhausted. Still, we were determined to have a night out. Or rather, I think I was determined. There was an hour wait for a table, which would annoy me at any time, but particularly when I'm already ready for bed. We spent that time listening to a band at the bar. The band was very good, surprisingly. At one point though, I looked around and realized the bar was crowded, though not overly so, and rather loud. It's exactly the kind of scene Ron and I would have been into a year ago, listening to music, drinking a couple of Coronas. I said to Ron, "I feel like this isn't our life anymore." And Ron replied without a trace of regret, "Because this isn't our life anymore."

The next day, Ron watched Rolo while I went to the beach. I couldn't stay at the beach long because I needed to go back and pump. Between a baby and a pump, I constantly have something attached to me. I probably would have stayed on the beach for hours had it not been for the boob issue. But my life? Not so much about what I want these days.

It was good though to get away. We're going on our first real family vacation the end of next month to Plymouth, MA. Just for a long weekend, but I'm excited. I love me a fall trip.

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