Monday, September 24, 2007

Ringing True

I read Dooce's post the other day and it really resonated with me. Particularly this part: "Everything that they tell you about the love you’ll have for your child is true, but there’s all this other stuff that is true, too, stuff that you’re afraid to talk about, stuff that you carry around and try to hide. Stuff like resentment and fear and anxiety and longing."

Now Dooce has a variety of mental health issues, including post-partum depression, but I don't think that's what she's talking about here. It's true, at least for me, that you love your child immediately, without even thinking about it. But there are those other feelings, feelings that I believe are normal, but that no one likes to talk about for fear of being under suspicion. There are lots of extremes in motherhood(and in pregnancy too for that matter) and it seems that if you have anything other than glowing reviews of motherhood, people assume you're on your way to being depressed. And in a majority of cases that's not true.

But it is true that you feel some of those other things Dooce mentions. I do not resent my child, because he's just a baby and it's not his fault he's here. But I do somethings resent the fact that my time is not my own anymore. That it's harder to get in and out of doorways with a stroller. That I can't just do whatever I want. That when I find something to wear that I actually look okay in, someone spits up all over it.

Of course, it's a choice I made. And I wouldn't unmake that choice, even if I could.

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