Sunday, October 07, 2007


Yesterday, after a lovely afternoon of coffee and drinks with Meg, I had just about HAD IT with Rolo. He went on a 2 hour crying bender when we got home for reasons I couldn't figure out. By the time Ron got home and I handed Rolo over to him, I was seriously considering moving out of the apartment.

I'm not sure why last night hit me so hard. Certainly, Rolo has had his share of crying fits before. It wasn't something that I couldn't handle. I think perhaps it was that Ron was out all day yesterday golfing and is working all day today. I think I realized how much I look forward to the weekends, because Ron will be home and will help bear the load that is caring for an infant. Weekends usually mean that I get out of the house a lot more. We almost always pack up the car and head somewhere on a Saturday or a Sunday. My friends are super-fantastic about meeting me out for a drink or coffee, usually on a moment's notice, but in the end, that's about an hour or two a week. In fact, even though I do get out most days, it's usually not for long periods of time, and the reality is that I'm usually in my apartment about 22 hours a day.

I'm going stir crazy.

And I realized this last night, in the midst of Rolo's screaming, how dependent I've become on Ron to save me on the weekends. I count the hours until he gets home every night and look forward to Fridays with a ridiculous amount of enthusiasm. I dread Mondays like the plague. And so this weekend, without the hope of co-parenting, I was depressed. Not that it was really justified. Ron had to work today and of course, that's unavoidale. And yesterday with the golfing? It was the first time he's seen any of his friends since Rolo was born. Me? I go out with my friends all the time by comparison. So I can't fault him for golfing.

Today is a different day than yesterday and I'm not feeling nearly as bad. Something's up with Rolo though. He doesn't have a fever, but he's cranky and just not himself. I feel better about being home today. In three weeks I'll go back to work, and I know it's not likely I'll ever be home with him like this again. And that? That does make me a little sad. Funny, how I can love and hate being at home at the same time. I love it, because I know it's the best thing for him, but for me, personally, I can't stand it. I alternate between letting my selfishness get the best of me and feeling guilty that I've wasted time feeling frustrated. I feel...I don't know if guilty is the right word, but guilty that I don't always make spending time with Rolo my top priority. I wish I was the kind of person for whom mothering is enough.

The maintenance man in my building, Ernesto, who is a wealth of knowledge, advised me shortly after Rolo was born, "Enjoy this time with him even if it's hard. Too many people try to do other things while taking care of their children. Your children should be your real focus. Because you don't want to look back and realize you didn't spend enough time with them. You can't undo that."

Never again will Rolo be as little as he is right now. That's a thought that has repeated in my head over and over since he was born. And that makes me a little sad too, but in a sweet way, because I know one day I'll look back and wish I was still at home and that he was still a baby.

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At 1:24 PM, Blogger Star said...

What a wonderfully honest post.

You are mothering him as best you can, and that is pretty damn amazing.

I cannot imagine how challenging it must be day to day. Your life over the past few months is so drastically different than your life before that it only makes sense that you are feeling torn about it. People judge moms, a lot and harshly. Each woman can only do what she is equipped to do, each woman must mother in her own way. You are a terrific mom to the little bunny, and the internal person struggles you are feeling are all a part of that. There is pressure from society to mother a certain way, but that is the same society that pressures all of us to look a certain way, follow a certain path, and feel a certain way. They can all suck off! Just keep on being that sweet, funny, caring mother that you naturally are and you and Ron and Rolo will continue to grow into the wonderful little family that you are.

It was fantastic to see you and hang out Friday. We'll keep it up. And remember, we are around if you need a break.


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