Thirtysomething

The Dry Hump

They say gallantry is dead. Not so, I say.

I rewarded myself for being fabulous yesterday by leaving the office at noon and enjoying the gorgeous day. And I mean gorgeous. I want this weather to last forever. Like many people in my neighborhood too, I put on a modest bathing suit set out to the park to catch some rays. Yes, some people in the city sunbath in parks. Kind of crass, I know, but....a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

So I'm laying on a blanket in the park reading a book, propped up on my elbows. I notice out of the corner of my eye, a man walking a dog coming towards me. I shoot him one of my best don't-even-THINK-about-talking-to-me looks. Regardless, he continues to approach and says, "Excuse me, miss". I take a look at him. My crazy person radar isn't throwing up any red flags with this guy. He's wearing a button-down shirt and is neatly dressed. The dog is beautiful and well-groomed. Neither appears to be crazy, but you ever know when your crazy person radar might be off, so I continue to cock one eyebrow and give him a death stare.

There are of course the crazy people who are obviously crazy. The ones who are screaming obscenities at parked cars, for example. But there are other brands of crazy that are less obvious, but there are clues anyway. Subtle clues. Someone wearing an overcoat in warm weather. A manic look in the eye of an otherwise normal looking person. If you notice someone in front of you who is talking to every other person on the street, that person is probably crazy.

This man who was now crouching in front of me, didn't give off any clues to craziness. He noticed my death stare though and said, "I don't mean to startle you. " He lowered his voice to a whisper, "But there's a man behind you." "Yes?" I say. He looks embarassed and continues, "That man behind you is looking at you and um, ...well, he's humping the ground."

That's fantastic.

The man in front of me says "I just thought you should know." I thanked him (I mean what DO you say to someone who just told you that?) and then he walked away with his dog.

I'm glad I'm just so damn hot that men are falling to the ground and resorting to dry humping grass. I can't make this stuff up, people.

To the guy who approached me's credit, he did a gentlemanly thing in my opinion. Some men hold doors, some let you walk in front of them, some tell you when a crazy homeless person is jerking off while staring at you. Gallantry is not dead.

posted by DJ Heavy D @ 7:33 AM