Thirtysomething

Minus the Funky Bunch

The strangest things seem to happen to me at church. One time I had a life-altering divine intervention that resulted in me breaking up with my boyfriend. Today, I went to 12 p.m. mass, took a seat in a pew and was minding my own business. About 5 minutes into the mass, I heard someone to my left whispering to someone, looked over in that direction and locked eyes with Mark Wahlberg.

Yeah, this guy.

So I whipped my head back so that I was looking straight ahead and thought "Holy shit, that's Mark Wahlberg." At least I hope I thought it and didn't actually say it outloud. Then I thought to myself, "You're an idiot. What would Mark Wahlberg being doing at church in Philadelphia? It can't be him." So I tried to sneak another peak. He was sitting in the same pew as me about 8 feet away from me. There was no one sitting in between us. Instead of looking directly at him, which was too conspicious, I looked at his shoes. Which were NBA-issued sneakers that were monogrammed with the name "Mark Wahlberg".

It was like GOD was trying to tell me who this guy was. Because honestly, who monograms sneakers?

Anyway, I sat there wishing that I had put some blush and bronzer on and tried to figure out how to much noise my engagement ring would make if I tossed it towards the back of the church. I spent the rest of the mass sneaking peeks at Mr. Wahlberg (couldn't tell you want the readings or homily were about) and here's what I can tell you: First, he actually goes to church. I mean I sort of broadly assumed that Hollywood actors aren't down with the organized religion thing. He knew all the prayers, songs, everything. He also fully kneels at the appropriate point during the Mass, and doesn't do that whole half kneel-half sit thing that drives me crazy. Unless you are elderly or have a medical condition, kneel up straight! Which he did. He went to Communion and stopped the Communion line to let this little old lady in who was walking very slowly. What a gentlemen you are, Mark; can I have your children? He did leave before Mass was over, not right after Communion but before the priest left the alter. But to be fair, if he waited to leave when everyone else did, he would have been mobbed. Well, not mobbed, but certainly approached by someone.

And Mark Wahlberg spoke to me. Words came out of his mouth that were directed at me. He said, "Peace be with you," with a little wave. I've been peaced by Mark Wahlberg, I can die a happy woman now.

Mark Wahlberg is now my favorite actor. I wanted to run up to him after church and say, "You let little old ladies in line, you kneel at Mass, you're an ACTOR who goes to CHURCH. Yes, I will see "Four Brothers" now.

He's staying at the Rittenhouse Hotel, in case anyone is interested.

posted by DJ Heavy D @ 9:58 AM