Friday, March 09, 2007

No Man's Land

So the other results came back, and as I suspected, the baby has inherited the combination: my mutation (delta 508) and one of Ron's variants (M470V). That particular variant of "unknown significance" as they say, is thought to cause chronic sinusitis and CF-like lung disease. Because the baby doesn't have Ron's other variant, we probably don't need to worry about pancreatic disease. It's unlikely that the baby would have classic CF, but you know, they aren't willing to rule anything out completely.

I feel like there are two groups of expectant mothers out there: the majority that have no reason to believe their child will be anything perfect and the minority that know prenatally that there is a medical condition. The former is happy, excited; the latter is freaked out.

And then there's me.

I'm not quite justified in being freaked out, because I don't know that anything will be wrong. It's pretty much unknown what, if any, symptoms will present. So to put myself in the same category as women who really are dealing with medical issues isn't right. On the other hand, I can't say I'm relieved. I mean, I'm relieved it most likely won't be classic CF, but it's not like there's nothing to worry about either. There's more research to be done, more doctors to meet with.

The weird thing is that I'm surprisingly at ease with all this. I mean I've been known to freak out over a lot less. Maybe because I feel like I know everything will be okay. I don't know if that's some kooky women's intuition or if I'm in denial. Or maybe, because for whatever the reason, whatever the result, this is what has been chosen for me. God's plan and all. Perhaps there is grace in acceptance. And for the next five months, this just has been be a regular pregnancy, one that I'm excited about.

Because I am excited. I must be, because never once have I wished I were not pregnant. For someone who is ambivilent about having kids, that says something.

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