Stay
Awhile back Ron and I were having a conversation about kids and he said something that indicated that he thought I would be staying at home if we had them. It was like the motion of the earth suddenly came to a complete stop.Me: Wait. What? Do you think I'm staying home with the kids?
R: Well, I don't know...
Me: I mean I know it's better for the children if their mother is at home. And you and I were both raised by stay-at-home moms...
R: You know you won't have to work, right?
Me: (blink) I never really thought about it.
R: Well, it wouldn't be a bad thing. You being at home with the kids, I mean.
Right, I think to myself, not a bad thing for you, because it doesn't really impact you.
Here's the thing: I'm pretty independent. I won't say I have drive, because if you compare me to my brother, I am so NOT driven, but I like not depending on anyone. In the past, this has served me well. I put myself through college. It wasn't easy. I put myself through grad school. I've worked hard, I've gotten oodles of promotions, I've tripled my salary within 7 years.
My mom was the best stay-at-home mom ever. She completely and totally dedicated herself to her kids, something I had less of an appreciation for as I got older. She didn't drive, so she would either walk my brother and I to our various extra-curricular activities or she would take public transporation with us. While my dad was working, my mom, brother and I went everywhere together. When I think about schleping two kids on city buses criss-crossing Staten Island for soccer games and gymnastics and every other sport under the sun, OH MY GOD, I could so never do it. What a pain. But my mother did it without complaint. Just because she couldn't drive us, didn't mean we weren't going to go to all our parties and games. She was a saint.
But as I got older, specifically an obnoxious teenager, I looked at my mother differently. I thought it was sad that she didn't have her own life. When she mentioned something about "her money", I smirked because I knew it was really my father's money. I mean she didn't have any money of her own, she didn't work! I did mention I was obnoxious, right? That thought process, compounded by being on my own at a fairly young age, caused a streak of independence that is very difficult to compromise.
The truth is, I would be terrified to be a stay-at-home mom, because, for me, it means surrendering my life to other people, to my husband and children. Not having my own money that I earned with a real paycheck. Now, I'm not putting down anyone who chooses to stay at home. I don't doubt that for any frustrations experienced, there is a greater sense of fullfillment when women are full time mothers. Maybe I would feel that too. Maybe I wouldn't.
Here's what I think: I think I would be bored. I think post-pardum depression would hit hard. I think I would feel resentment at giving up my work, my career. I think I would resent my husband for not having to give up his. I think I don't have much patience. I think I'm not social enough to join those damn "mommy and me" get togethers, so that I would still have adult interaction. I think day care isn't a bad thing. In fact, Ron's niece, who is as spoiled as the day is long, goes to a preschool (she's 3 years old) so she can interact with other kids. It's done wonders for her temperment. I don't think moms who work, even if they don't have to, love their children any less. I don't think you have to be with your kids 24 hours a day to raise them well and love them well. When I think of all the unfit mothers out there, me wanting to work 20-35 hours a week doesn't seem so terrible.
I'm not vehemently opposed to staying at home, if I ever even have kids. Maybe once I have a child I'll want nothing more than to stay home. I can think of a good compromise: staying at home most of the time and going back to school part time. Because I feel a docorate degree calling.
posted by DJ Heavy D @ 6:30 AM
4 Comments:
You are so not alone. I understand how you feel. Though my mom worked while I was growing up. Speaking as someone who doesn't even know if they want kids, I can't imagine living the life of a full time mom. Which is fine because it isn't for everyone. I think being someone who has spent so much time in school pursuing degress, and working (in your case toward various promotions and positions) the ideas of leaving that behind is overwhelming. Not that you can't return to it after you raise the kids, but let's face it, that really isn't how the world works now...
It is a lot to consider, and thankfully you don't have to decide anything now. And maybe at the point when you guys are having kids, Ron can stay home with them and you could work! Hahaha.
PS
Thanks for last night, it was so great to hang out!
I posted a really long f-ing comment and it better damn well publish.
Crap, crap, crap. I think blogger ate my comment.
I was 12 kinds of indignant too!
Basically I said that what is fulfilling for one person may not be fulfilling for another so I strongly disagree with your statement that women who are mothers experience greater fulfillment.
Women can be fulfilled in many ways. People who say that life is better with children, you know love greater when you have children can kiss my ass. How dare you (not you, D) assume that what has worked for you would work for me.
That said, if Michelle and I were to have/get children, I'd want one of us to stay home or for us to have flexible enough work schedules that the child(ren) would not be in full time day care. I think kids need socialization and a few hours, a few days a week is great for most 3-5 year olds. But no way would I send my infant to day care. This, however, is what I think would be right for me and my family. I wouldn't presume that everyone would feel that way.
It's good that you and Ron are talking about this because so many people don't.
Christy,
Sorry, I think my sentence about fulfillment was confusing. I didn't mean that women who have children experience greater fulfillment than those who don't. I meant that for women who have children all the frustrations (changing diapers all day, wiping runny noses, incessant crying) that come with motherhood, are probably outweighed by the fulfillment or joys of being a mother.
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