Thirtysomething

Welcome to Crazytown

I have the jitters. I can't stop from tapping my foot to burn some nervous energy. I'm thinking about the baking I have to do tonight. I'm thinking about what to pack. I'm rehearsing lines in my head. I can't ignore the brick that settled somewhere in the pit of my stomach.

The holiday visiting sweep season is upon me. Last year's round went smoothly. It was pleasant. Dare I say, I enjoyed it. That does not bode well for this year's round.

There are small signs of trouble. Calls not answered, a couple of remarks here and there. The bottom fell out when I tried to reserve a car from the usual place I reserve cars from and they are SOLD OUT of cars for the holiday. No, no, no, no I thought. They can't be sold out. The entire basis of my sanity for the next few days is following a routine. That routine involves renting a car from the usual car place. Going to the usual car place where I know the layout, the people, the garage where the cars are kept. It's all comforting. Renting a car from a new car place, an unfamilar car place, is unsettling. It's not the routine. It's something else to worry about. What if I get there and they're out of cars too? Sure, I made a reservation, but what does that mean really? What if they don't bring the car to the front and I have to manuever my way out of a crowded lot? It adds to the weight of the brick in my stomach. And it's supposed to RAIN tomorrow! Is everyone against me?

It's days like today when I believe I should be medicated.

I should also know better than to plan baking for tonight. I will be nervous and distracted. I will rush, forget ingredients and things will not turn out right. Ron will stay out of my way but look for signs of a meltdown. Last week we had the following conversation:
R: When are you going home?
Me: Wednesday. Probably early afternoon?
R: Okay.
Me: Why?
R: Well that means that Tuesday night you'll be freaking out right?
Me: Yeah, that sounds about right.
R: Just trying to plan.

In my head I know it's only two days. I only have to get to Friday. This is no big deal. I know that. There have been times when going home have not invoked this level of anxiety. I'm worried that this time it's way up.

Just get to Friday. Things will be fine. I didn't use to be this way. It's funny that the craziness that is my family household has spread so that it affects me before I even get there.

Welcome to Crazytown.

posted by DJ Heavy D @ 6:11 AM